We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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