life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
