Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
