I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she told me i tasted like america
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think your dad took our porno
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
