Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
