1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
