Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
