good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
