That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
