yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
