WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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