I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
