Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
A+ Viking dick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
