We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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