I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
