i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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