I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
