HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
