Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
