I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
