I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
