so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
