I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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