I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
