remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
