You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
