yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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