yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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