Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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