We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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