my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
