I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
