im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
