hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
