I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
