hotel room ftw
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
