He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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