the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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