The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
