Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
