omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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