I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
