Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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