a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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