dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
