Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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