I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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