Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
