don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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