i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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