But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
